Steve Stratman Writer

FAQs with Marty, the White House Respect Director

Marty: Are there any questions?

Steve Stratman: You haven’t given a statement yet.

That’s not a question.

Ok. What do you do for the president?

I make sure no one makes fun of him.

We’re not allowed to make fun of him?

NO. Complete respect. Always.

Once he said that his IQ was “one of the highest.” In fact he said he was “very, very, very intelligent.” Can I make fun of that?

No. It’s completely true. His IQ is very high. In fact, it’s very, very, very highest.

He once called the Japanese Prime Minister at noon Eastern Standard Time and wondered why the Prime Minister was still asleep. Someone had to explain to him that he was still sleeping because it was in the middle of the night in Japan.

I don’t understand your question.

Ok, let’s move on. The President thinks the country Nepal is pronounced Nipple. Can I make fun of that?

If a country is called Nipple, that’s their fault.

He said that “ice caps are at a record level.” Can I make fun of that?

No because it’s true. Ice caps are at a record level.

What constitutes a record level?

It’s a level that never set a record before.

He said they’re ’rounding up’ immigrant families in a ‘very nice way.’ Can I make fun of that?

NO. Complete respect. Besides, people get very happy when they’re reunited with their children. 

How about the wall? Can I make fun of that?

No. It’s a very nice wall. And kind. And building walls is even kinderer than reuniting families.

Ok. You got me there. He said his fingers are long and beautiful. Do you believe this?

If he says they’re long and beautiful, that’s what they are. 

He said once that, “We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.” Can I make fun of that?

I suppose you’re highly educated?

No. But I’d sure hate being called ‘poorly educated.’

If you were poorly educated you wouldn’t be making fun of the president.

That’s one to think about. Moving on. The president said once that, “I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

We went over this one already. 

He also said, “If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business.”

Yeah. So?

“Big Business” is two words.

What does that have to do with Atlantic City?

Moving on. Once he said, “Nobody respects women more than me.”

See? Complete respect.

Then a few weeks later he said, “Women: You have to treat them like sh*t.”

That’s fake news.

It was on tape.

Still fake. And I’d appreciate you not swearing like that.

He also said, “We’re gonna have businesses come back to New Hampshire, and you can tell them to go f**k themselves.”

There you go with the swearing again.

He also said, “I was going to say they’re really full of s**t, but I won’t say that.”

You see? He told you himself. He never said that.

He said about women once, “Grab them by the p**sy. You can do anything.”

Technically, that word is not a swear word.

Ok. Changing the subject. At a rally he said, “There’s a guy totally disruptive. I’d like to punch him in the face, I’ll tell ya.” It’s pretty clear he hates people who disagree with him.

If he hates you it’s because you deserve to be hated.

And I’m supposed to respect that?

Yes. Complete respect. Always.

Why?

Because he’s your president.

Ok. I should respect him no matter what. Just like you did for Barak Obama . . .

That was different.

Why?

Obama was from Kenya.