FAQs with Marty the North Korean Border Guard
Steve Stratman: “Excuse me. You mind if I have a word with Mr. Kim?”
Marty the North Korean Border Guard: “We got about fourteen million Kims in here. You might want to be a little more specific.”
Steve: Mr. Kim Jong-un, I suppose.
Marty the Border Guard raises one eyebrow. Sorry. He’s out talkin’ to some president from a far-off magical kingdom where people can eat food whenever they want and buy things like toothbrushes. It’s a place where people have so much stuff that they have to recycle it or else it just piles up and gets in the way.”
Hmm. That does sound magical.
Are you making fun of me?
Sorry. You seem a little upset about something. You want to talk about it?
The last guard who talked about his feelings ended up filling a pothole in Pyongyang.
Wow. I guess that’s not so bad, though. There are worse things than pitching asphalt in a hole.
They didn’t pitch asphalt in the hole, they pitched the guard in the hole.
Oh. I see. How long have you worked here?
About fifteen minutes.
So I guess an interview with Mr. Jung-un is off the list?
There’s an opening with the Minister of Cybercrime on Tuesday.
Hmm. Anything else?
The Minister of Black Market Lumber, Stolen Zinc and U.S. Currency Counterfeiting has half an hour on Wednesday.
That’s it?
Yep. But you could wait until after the summit. They’re firing up a lot more ministries once they get the sanctions dropped.
Like what?
Well, there’s a big project to embiggen the prison camps. They’re envisioning an increase in inmates. Like, huge.
Embiggen? Don’t you mean enlarge?
Were not allowed to say that word anymore.
Ok. What other ministries?
They’re downsizing the Ministry of Duping the American Government.
Why? Funding?
No. They gotta make more room for the Ministry of Re-electing the American President.
I guess I’ll take the Minister of Cybercrime.
Good choice. He’s been getting pretty popular. You might get pushed back, though. You’re right behind Russia’s Minister of Exploiting America’s Gullibility. Then after you, China’s Ambassador of Exporting Cheap Embargoed Goods to Undercut U.S. Jobs has an hour.
Wow. Seems pretty tight. Looks like this summit is getting a lot of balls rolling.
Beachfront condos are big. They’re popping up everywhere. In fact, prison gangs are making more beaches up in the mountains just in case.
Hmm. That’s pretty amazing. But what about the de-nuclearization project?
The what?
The de-nuclearization project. It’s an agreement that gets rid of all nuclear weapons on the Korean Peninsula.
What’s a nuclear weapon?
It’s a bomb.
Can you eat it?
No.
I guess I don’t really understand the question.
It’s an idea that everyone can live in peace without getting blown up and killed.
I guess anything’s possible these days. I just heard Mr. Jung-un say yesterday that never in a million years would he have expected a U.S. president to be more willing to buckle under. He also talked about something he called, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” I’m not sure what that means but they all had a good laugh about it.