Steve Stratman Writer

Make the Aztec Underworld Great Again

“Hell is right next door,” said Richard Mictlāntēcutli, Chief Commissioner for the Aztec Underworld, “and it’s filled to the gills.” Mr. Mictlāntēcutli turned and pointed to a spot across a river engulfed in fire. “Every day we get more souls making a break for our border.”

FAQs with Marty, the White House Respect Director

Ok. What do you do for the president? I make sure no one makes fun of him. We’re not allowed to make fun of him? NO. Complete respect. Always. Once he said that his IQ was “one of the highest.” In fact he said . . .

FAQs with Marty the North Korean Border Guard

Steve Stratman: “Excuse me. You mind if I have a word with Mr. Kim?”

Marty the North Korean Border Guard: “We got about fourteen million Kims in here. You might want to be a little more specific.”

Steve: Mr. Kim Jong-un, I suppose.

FAQs with Uncle Marty: Monsanto Zombies Need Love Too.

Uncle Marty: “You seem a little conflicted about cows. You like eating them don’t ya?”

Steve Stratman: “Yeah, but crowding them all in a feed lot seems a little harsh.”

Uncle Marty: “Why don’t you ask a cow how it feels?”

FAQs With Uncle Marty: “That’s Just P.C. Bull-Crap.”

Uncle Marty: “You seem to complain a lot.”

Steve Stratman: “That bothers you?”

Marty: I can’t say anything without you complaining about it. Seems like P.C. bullsh••t-talk to me.

Steve: You want me to tone down my opinions so I don’t offend you?

The Jaguar Knight

There’s no benefit to waking up with a foot pressed against one’s face . . .

Did you miss the bus?

I love meetings. Meetings that drone. Meetings that gibber-jab about . . .