Make the Aztec Underworld Great Again
“Hell is right next door,” said Richard Mictlāntēcutli, Chief Commissioner for the Aztec Underworld, “and it’s filled to the gills.” Mr. Mictlāntēcutli turned and pointed to a spot across a river engulfed in fire. “Every day we get more souls making a break for our border.”
Read MoreFAQs with Marty, the White House Respect Director
Ok. What do you do for the president? I make sure no one makes fun of him. We’re not allowed to make fun of him? NO. Complete respect. Always. Once he said that his IQ was “one of the highest.” In fact he said . . .
Read MoreFAQs with Marty the North Korean Border Guard
Steve Stratman: “Excuse me. You mind if I have a word with Mr. Kim?”
Marty the North Korean Border Guard: “We got about fourteen million Kims in here. You might want to be a little more specific.”
Steve: Mr. Kim Jong-un, I suppose.
Read MoreFAQs with Marty the Viking
Marty the Viking: “Can I help you with something?”
Steve Stratman: “I wonder if I could speak with Mr. Erickson.”
Marty: “We got a lot of Ericksons here, pal. Could you be a little more specific?”
Steve: “First name, Lief.”
Marty: “That doesn’t help me much.”
Read MoreFAQs with Marty the Aztec Priest
Marty the Aztec Priest: “Can I help you with something?”
Steve Stratman: “I was wondering if I could have a word with Mr. Montezuma?”
Read MoreFAQs with Marty the Mayan Temple Guard
Marty the Mayan Temple Guard: “Can I help you with something?”
Steve Stratman: “I wonder if I could speak with Mr. Smoke Jaguar.”
Marty: “The king or the prince?”
Steve: “The king, I suppose.”
Read MoreFAQs with Uncle Marty: Monsanto Zombies Need Love Too.
Uncle Marty: “You seem a little conflicted about cows. You like eating them don’t ya?”
Steve Stratman: “Yeah, but crowding them all in a feed lot seems a little harsh.”
Uncle Marty: “Why don’t you ask a cow how it feels?”
Read MoreFAQs With Uncle Marty: “That’s Just P.C. Bull-Crap.”
Uncle Marty: “You seem to complain a lot.”
Steve Stratman: “That bothers you?”
Marty: I can’t say anything without you complaining about it. Seems like P.C. bullsh••t-talk to me.
Steve: You want me to tone down my opinions so I don’t offend you?
Read MoreFAQs with Uncle Marty: The Monkey God and “Aliens Built It.”
Uncle Marty: “So. You’re telling me that aliens didn’t build Mayan Temples.”
Steve Stratman: That’s what I’m saying, yes.
Uncle Marty: “Where’s your facts?”
Steve: Are you kidding?
Read MoreFAQs with Uncle Marty: Monsanto Zombies
Uncle Marty: “I heard you talking about something called a Monsanto Zombie.”
Steve Stratman: “I was referring to a cow.”
Uncle Marty: “A Monsanto Zombie is a kind of cow?”
Steve: “Not really a specific breed, like a Hereford or Brahman. But more your garden variety cow that ends up in a concentrated animal feeding operation. Once these cows . . . “
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